finally sinking in

today has been one of the worst days of my life. all i seem to be doing is complaining and feeling sorry for myself. i know i need to be with abby and keeping her company and keeping her happy, but i can't seem to be accomplishing it. my knee is killing and no one seems to really care. i have to suck it up and walk around on it. who cares anymore? physical therapy will not be happening so recovery is up to me... oh well. i finally realized that this whole thing sucks. my life is ruined. i know it is not as bad as abbys life but i feel like it is affecting me just as bad. why am i feeling so sorry for myself? i know i need to stop. i think today i just realized how bad this is. we are so unsure about what we are doing this summer, or next school year, or even day to day. it's killing me. i have to keep telling myself that "everything happens for a reason" that is what i live off of. if i lose hope in this, then my life means nothing. i need to be with abby but i'm so selfish that i just want to be home. i think i want to go home because when i go home, everything goes away. i can just go to sleep and not think about this tradegy anymore. why is this happening? i don't want to deal with it anymore. today my mom said that this is the best that abby is going to be.. ever. so i need to spend every second with her. i wish i didn't get my surgery and then everything would be better. i guess i just need to suck this up, and keep going. i want it to all go away though. we have a lot of support, which is helping, i just don't know what my deal is. this is super depressing. i'm glad abby is still with us, i just wish she was better. i want to go back to when she was normal, and we were home all together. this whole thing is finally sinking in, and it is making me super super sad :(